Alone & Being Needed

Topic: Alone & Being Needed


Scriptural References:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”

Genesis 2:18 - And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.


Reading:

What did God mean when he made this statement? What did God see in Adam that caused him to determine that Adam was alone? Prior to the creation of Eve, Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden and was tasked with maintaining it; he also was responsible for naming the animals. For Adam, despite having a job, which offers a sense of direction and purpose, and despite being with God—he was still alone.

What was this aloneness that Adam experienced? What God saw and Adam experienced was a psychological aloneness. Psychological refers to emotional and mental; therefore, Adam experienced the need to connect emotionally and mentally to someone similar to himself. Imagine for a moment what feelings Eve may have felt knowing that she was created because Adam felt alone. She was created in response to a deficiency in Adam. A deficiency not because God’s creation was not good enough, but so that Adam would understand the value of Eve as someone he would need. Eve was created with a skill set that was purposed to add value and significance to God’s plan. She was created, ready to subdue and exercise dominion. Consider the example of a Proverbs 31 wife who adds wisdom and resourcefulness in all she does.

There is a desire in us all to (1) not feel alone and (2) feel needed. While we all experience life differently and connect with others in various ways, it will be important to understand the ways in which you were alone and how your spouse meets this area. There are some who feel they are just fine whether with someone or not. To them, consider the difference in thoughts and emotions when you are by yourself versus spending time with another person. When you are with someone, you share in the basic experience of companionship which often reduces anxiety and increases the sense of universality. Universality is the idea that others experience the things you do, that you are not alone in your experiences.

Once companionship is achieved spouses often take what has been provided to them for granted, and they no longer show their spouse that they are needed. The feeling that you are no longer needed can be devastating and may lead to feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, or depression. You must feel needed, as you should show the need for your spouse. Showing need can come by way of verbal affirmations, identification and employing gifts and talents, showing reliance, the delegation of tasks, and physical responsiveness to affection.

The first area you will be tasked to explore will be identifying why you need the other person, why they are significant in your life, and how you will meet the needs of your spouse.

 

What Are Your Needs?

What are your needs? We are all created with and have acquired over life, specific needs. The area of needs is an area that couples fail to discuss and explore prior to marriage. Couples are not always honest and upfront with their needs. This could be the result of individuals lacking in self-exploration of needs or simply not discussing them. As a result, their needs are overlooked and not met. One of the very first steps in entering and maintaining a healthy intimate relationship is understanding your needs. Your relationship needs are rooted in your personality and desires. It will be a vital first step to discuss who you are, your likes and dislikes, and how this may or may not complement your spouse. Here are some common personality types that are challenging when paired with each other.

Goal-Oriented versus Carefree. A goal-oriented individual may be driven by deadlines, tasks, and competition, and may feel uncomfortable without plans or something to work towards. Goal-oriented individuals may hold others to high standards as well. Carefree individuals live day-by-day and have minimal planning. They tend to be flexible and not fixed on any one thing, willing to concede to changes. A goal-oriented person may view a carefree person as irresponsible and lacking structure. A carefree individual may a view goal-oriented person as demanding and rigid.

Affectionate versus Non-affectionate. Those who are affectionate express their love through various forms of physical touch, frequent verbal assurances, and may be comfortable with public affection. Non-affectionate individuals are uncomfortable with touch and do not initiate affection; however, this does not mean they love less. Affectionate individuals may feel neglected or unloved by non-affectionate spouses. Non-affectionate individuals may feel stifled or that their affectionate spouses are over-bearing.

Active versus Sedentary. An active individual is one who enjoys doing things, typically outside involving exploration. They may appreciate traveling, working out, outdoor activities, and exploring new things. A sedentary individual typically does not prefer and may not initiate activities that exceed light physical exertion. These individuals may prefer staying home, light walking, binge television watching, reading, or spending most of their day and time doing minimal physical activities. These two personalities may clash, leaving each spouse feeling neglected.

Individual characteristics such as Emotional Reactivity and lack of Agreeableness are two characteristics that cause difficulties with any relationship personality type. Emotional reactivity is the disproportionate response to situations. Emotional reactive individuals will respond intensely to both minor and major situations. They may have little patience, may be moody, sensitive, and may often feel victimized.

Lack of agreeableness is the lack of flexibility, adaptability, compassion, empathy, and altruism. Individuals who lack agreeableness are often rigid, non-compromising, selfish, or may present as hostile and aggressive communicators. The most powerful and useful characteristic in a marriage is the trait of agreeableness. Being agreeable does not mean one is passive; it means that one is able to rightly discern where adjustments will benefit the relationship. Agreeableness requires maturity and the ability to manage one’s emotions in uncomfortable situations. If you have gained the skill of agreeableness, then meeting your spouse’s needs, and having your needs meet will not be a frustrating task.

 


Questions:

Session questions:

1.      What makes you ready for marriage?

2.      What does it mean to be ready?

3.      What areas have you felt alone?

4.      How does your spouse meet these needs? What do you need or require from your spouse?

5.      What needs do you meet/fulfill in your partner?

6.      Why do you need your spouse? How does it feel to be needed; to meet your partner’s need?

7.      How do you emotionally and mentally connect with each other?

8.      What will you do if your need(s) are not met? Will you shut down, break boundaries, use aggression, or be dismissive? What will you do?

9.      Do you know your spouse’s areas of gifts, talents, abilities, and interests?

10.  How will you feel if specific routines are taken from you or interrupted?

What if you could not practice a ritual; what meaning would that take away from you

Complete and Continue