Pugh’s “Intimacy Is A Place” Model

This model describes what it takes for couples to create and exist within an intimate place. It asserts that intimacy is more than just sex; it is more than just one domain of partner connection. It identifies intimacy as a space that is available and created by both spouses, designated for a specific use and existence. It is somewhere that spouses can go. Places are very particular, just as people are. Understanding intimacy as a place helps spouses to understand the intentionality needed to create intimacy. It also helps spouses understand that intimacy is not just a specific moment in time but an ongoing experience and a dwelling that spouses remain in interaction with. The place of a house is used to illustrate this idea. Below we describe the elements of this house or place of intimacy.

Door: Responsiveness: The entrance into an intimate place is by being responsive. Responsiveness is the idea that responding partners will acknowledge and satisfactorily answer emotional solicitations and other identified needs of the requesting partner in a timely manner. In other words, when one spouse knocks at the door, the other spouse will respond and open the door. If your spouse makes a request of you, whether directly or indirectly, answering on time will determine if intimacy grows or diminishes. It will determine whether you get to continue into the place of intimacy or if you will be left outside.

The Foundation, Walls, and Roof – Structural elements needed to protect intimacy.

Foundation: Commitment: This is the foundation of the home. For intimacy to exist, there must first be a foundation of commitment. A commitment indicates that one is dependable, trustworthy, and will not abandon their spouse during challenging times or otherwise.

Walls: Love & Trust: These are the walls of the interior and exterior of the house and its rooms, which hold it together. Likewise, love and trust hold intimacy together and all other elements that go into creating intimacy. Love is the feelings of affection and passion for your spouse. Trust, which encompasses consistency, predictability, and reliability, are the feelings and the knowledge that allow you to become vulnerable within the relationship. Love and trust must be intact for the “rooms” to be safe.

Roof: Agreed Boundaries: As with a natural house, the roof protects the home from the elements. This is the function of boundaries for intimacy. Boundaries must be set in place to protect the place of intimacy. Boundaries around intimacy could be practicing appropriate cell phone usage, maintaining proper relationships with other people, doing things together, respecting opinions, prioritizing spouse, and any other boundary agreed upon by both partners. Boundaries keep and protect everything under the appropriate roof of intimacy.

Rooms – There are eleven rooms in this intimacy model, with sex positioned at the top, indicating sex is the pinnacle of an intimate experience. Just as a house has rooms, intimacy has “rooms.” Each room has its function and is needed to experience intimacy holistically. Here are the rooms in no particular order, except with sex appearing as the last room.

Smell: Smell is an important part of intimacy because it can trigger or extinguish arousal. Smell also can trigger both positive and negative memories and emotions. Knowing which scents arouse your spouse and activate positive memories is important for creating an intimate place. This is not only limited to body order, breath, and perfumes but also how the house smells and your articles of clothing.

Taste: Taste can be very sensual because it often requires you to be close to your spouse. This area is often not thought about but has great potential to create an intimate space. You can utilize taste through kissing, where natural and enhanced fluids are tasted directly from the mouth or other body parts. Enhancement could be the incorporation of fruits, chocolates, or other delights. Sipping wine before a passionate kiss can also be a great way to incorporate taste.

Touch: Touch is not only about the haptic experience created through the manipulation of textures and varying pressures against the skin. It also includes how words and gestures touch the ears and heart. A place of deep intimacy understands how to touch with both the hands and the heart.

Hearing: Hearing serves as a type of GPS for intimacy. When you incorporate music, you are guiding intimacy through hearing. When you speak erotic words into your spouse's ears, you are guiding intimacy. When you moan during sex, you are guiding intimacy. Sounds provide feedback, and when you listen clearly to this feedback, you can build arousal.  

Sight: Sight is a powerful area of intimacy. When spouses make and maintain direct eye contact over just a few minutes, trust, attraction, and deeper intimacy are achieved. In fact, eye contact can trigger the release of the love hormone oxytocin. Your eyes also dilate when aroused or while having sex. Sight also refers to (1) how you visually present yourself to your spouse and (2) how visually stimulating or distracting the environment is.

Thoughts: If you’re not thinking about it, it will not happen. Thoughts can have either a positive or negative impact on intimacy. Couples must welcome the practice of fantasizing about their spouses. Too often, spouses spend too much cognitive energy thinking about everything except intimacy. Not only does spousal fantasizing increase intimacy, but it can also increase empathy and romance. Thinking intimately will keep you sexually engaged and ready.

Conversation: Are you a sapiosexual? This is someone who is sexually attracted to intelligence and often is revealed through deep dialogue. Even if you are not a sapiosexual, conversation is necessary to build and maintain a place of intimacy. Conversation provides the opportunity to give support, validation, and grow deeper bonds. Intimate conversation allows you access into your spouse’s inner world, their fears, their goals, and their core selves.

Emotion: Another key component to creating a place of intimacy is emotion. Emotions must be shared and validated in an equitable experience. While sex can make you feel connected to your spouse, you should also feel connected to your spouse in the absence of sex. Emotions also relate to being emotionally stable and non-reactive. Emotionally reactivity is known to corrode relationships and must be immediately eliminated to protect intimacy.

Gestures: This area of intimacy relates to the romantic behaviors that are demonstrated from one spouse to another. Gestures cover a broad range and can include prioritizing spousal time, gift giving, dates, participating in your spouse’s hobbies, demonstration of affection, giving of compliments, or shows of kindness and thoughtfulness. Gestures are all the behaviors that communicate your love and care for your spouse.

Spirituality: This area of intimacy shifts spousal interests away from the material and toward their core beliefs, convictions, principles, purpose, and forces greater than themselves. While this is not a necessary room for every couple, it is a bonus room for those who desire to explore more deeply. To unlock this room, there must be a spiritual alignment among spouses. When this alignment exists, spouses will begin to sense each other without natural senses and, in some cases, receive divine guidance on each other’s behalf.

Sex: In this model, sex is purposely positioned at the top of the house as the pinnacle of intimacy. When engaged in sex, it is important to incorporate elements from the other areas of intimacy to enhance your sexual experience. Engaging other areas, such as smell, touch, taste, hearing, etc., throughout the day will keep you in an intimate place and ready for sexual experiences. Sex is only one room in the place of intimacy, and for a holistic experience of intimacy, all the rooms of intimacy must be visited frequently and well maintained.