There are many factors that may put marital couples at a higher risk for infidelity, separation, and divorce. Some of these include sex, with men being at greater risk than women. This may be the result of cultural saturation of female sexual images and cultural choices. While men still report greater rates of infidelity, the rate of women who have reported cheating has substantially increased.

Additional risk factors include those who are employed in the fields of education, medicine, entrepreneurship, information technology, and trades. These careers often require longer and irregular work hours while allowing less time for spousal connections: younger couples and those who infrequent church are also among those with higher risk factors.

Other factors within the relationship that are more specific, directly leading to the development of infidelity are:

• Low levels of positive communication and high invalidation
• Lack of responsiveness
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Treating Infidelity

Treating infidelity will typically have 6 cyclical stages that couples will experience. It is important to thoroughly explore each stage with the couple, reminding them that healing will take an unspecified amount of time. The key ingredients that will get couples through infidelity are patience, emotional responsiveness, trustworthiness, and forgiveness.

1.     Discovery – This is when the injured spouse uncovers and finds out about the act of infidelity. The injured spouse typically has a flood of emotions and is very confused. In injuring spouse may initially deny, withhold details, and present defensive.

2.     Grief, Anger, & Depression – The injured spouse may go through a gamut of emotions. At times they will be very angry and at other times may desire to isolate themselves. During this stage is where they will experience symptoms similar to complicated grief. If the injuring spouse is remorseful, they too may experience emotions of guilt and grief.

3.     Acceptance – At this point, the injured spouse begins to accept the betrayal as something traumatic. The heart is now on the same page as the reality of what has occurred. The injured spouse makes a decision that their marriage is worth fighting for. Resentment and unforgiveness may still be present. They may have accepted what happened but may still be shutdown, rigid, and non-empathetic.

4.     Forgiveness – This stage is identified by the injured spouse letting down their walls and allowing their spouse back into the vulnerable areas of their life. They will typically initiate affection and acts of intimacy, all indicating that they have chosen to forgive.

5.     Relapse – There may come a time where the injured spouse is triggered and will experience flooding and flashbacks. The injuring spouse may be confused, not understanding what is happening, feeling attacked. Patience and empathy must be demonstrated by the injuring spouse during this stage. Over time, flooding and flashbacks are minimal, and coping techniques are learned.

6.     Reconnection & Relational Work – The couple takes a hard and realistic look at what issues exist in the relationship (both prior to the infidelity and presently). They both agree to work on these issues together.

When treating infidelity, it is important that you identify the experience as a traumatic experience. Infidelity is a form of abuse and is traumatic for those who experience it. Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing experience. As a traumatic experience, the injured spouse will experience trauma symptoms such as denial, anger, fear, sadness, depression, shame, confusion, anxiety, numbness, guilt, hopelessness, irritability (moodiness), and difficulty concentrating.

Flashbacks and flooding are a core feature when a person has experienced infidelity. A flashback describes the spontaneous event where a person cognitively relives the traumatic experience. Flooding is a physiological response to triggers. Flooding is when one experiences a rush of distressful emotions, thoughts, or images in conjunction with the body’s fight or flight stress response (adrenalin and cortisol). Almost anything can trigger a flashback or flooding.

There are many reasons that are given to explain why a person may have an affair. Here are some links to articles that identify and explain these reasons.

• 13 Types of Relationship Affairs - https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2019/09/13-types-of-relationship-affairs#1
• Having An Affair? There Are Six Different Kinds - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/201004/having-affair-there-are-six-different-kinds

Treating Divorce

Divorce should be the very last option couples pursue and should not be used as a way to control or threaten a spouse. If at all possible, the first recommendation should be separation, whether in-home, apart, or legal. Separations, in the non-legal sense, allows spouses time apart so they can work on whatever issues were present. During separation, spouses still honor the boundaries of the marriage but have little or structured contact with each other.

Like infidelity, divorce is also a traumatic experience. However, in addition to trauma, individuals may experience and suffer from grief as well. Grief is the overwhelming feeling of loss, sadness, or intense unidentified emotion. Individuals may also go through the stages of grief, which are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

In addition to the stages of grief, additional symptoms are loss of sleep, intense sadness, depression, anger, rumination, loss of purpose, bitterness, isolation, numbness, problems adjusting, moodiness and irritability, risky behaviors, and paranoia. These symptoms not only impact both spouses but may also emerge in children. Therefore, when treating divorce, it is important to make treatment recommendations for the entire family system.

Questions to Explore After an Affair 

Only explore if you are ready for the possibility of hurtful answers. 

1. How did it begin? 
2. What was the first boundary that was crossed? 
3. How did you give yourself permission to engage in this affair? What motivated you? 
4. Did you have sex? What sexual acts were done? 
5. Was the sex unprotected? 
6. Have you been tested for STD’s? 
7. Is there a possibility of there being any children from this relationship? 
8. Did anything happen in our home, car, or places we share? 
9. How did you feel after the sexual relations? 
10. Were you emotionally connected to them? 
11. Did you say I love you or exchange endearing words? 
12. Did you talk about having a future together? 
13. Were you yourself or a different person in the affair? 
14. Do you still have feelings for them? 
15. Do they still desire a relationship with you? Are we in any danger or concerns? 
16. Are you sad that the relationship ended? 
17. Knowing it was wrong, why did it go on for so long? 
18. Has the relationship ended? How did you end things? 
19. Did you ever compare them to me? 
20. What did you get or experience from that relationship? 
21. Did the affair give you something you felt you needed? 
22. Were there gifts or money exchanged? 
23. Do you still have items from them? 
24. What will you do if they reach out to you? 
25. How will you make sure this does happen again?  
26. How much do they know about us? 
27. Is there anyone else that knows about this? 
28. What was it like keeping things a secret? 
29. Are you willing to be patient as I learn how to forgive you, however long? 
30. To build trust, what is something I do not know about the affair?